


Charlie's Elite Beat Agents

by Milo_F_Waters



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Music
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:22:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28452327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milo_F_Waters/pseuds/Milo_F_Waters
Summary: In another time, Charlie had a different idea for rehabilitating demons and sending them to Heaven. Instead of a hotel, she starts a group dedicated to inspiring those in Hell to better themselves and move up in the world with the unbeatable power of anime music and dance! Will she cheerlead weary souls to a better life or will she be the laughingstock of her home?
Relationships: Charlie Magne/Vaggie
Kudos: 2





	1. Episode 0: The Signal is Out! Form the Elite Beat Agents!

**Author's Note:**

> So, here we are with a very different project of mine. A Hazbin fic based around an obscure rhythm game! Where will this lead? Only Lucifer knows!

While Charlie had many fanciful ideas in the past, today she actually had to bring them to fruition. As she stood in the dingy lobby of the building that she had bought, she checked the watch. It had been almost two days, and no one had shown up yet. The only person with her was Vaggie, who at this point was the only one on board with her idea.

“Anything yet?” the blond demoness asked.

Vaggie refreshed the email page she had open and saw there was no change. “Nope. Zero replies. I’ve already been deleting all of the douchebag trolls sending you threats and dick pics, though.”

“Heh, thanks…” Charlie sulked, “I just… What went wrong?”

“Well… The idea did seem pretty far out there. I mean, it sounded really interesting on paper, but…”

“I know, I know! I just thought it was so original and unique that it would grab people looking to apply for the job.”

Both girls thought back to the advertisement Charlie had put on every television station in Hell. It was a bold and expensive move, one that cost Charlie a good chunk of her life savings, but she put everything into this. They could both still hear and see every detail. The usual ads for liquor, strip clubs and newsflashes about the latest acts of terrorism suddenly gave way to a bright pink firework before Charlie’s smiling face took over the screen as J-pop blared in the background.

“Hey there, denizens of Hell! You may know me as daughter of Lucifer and that junk, but what if I told you that in the next week, I’ll be the head of a special organization?”

The camera then panned out to reveal Charlie was in a typical army general’s uniform and standing in a high-tech control room as she paced back and forth. “Now this organization is no gang, no operation, and no scam. This is a special task force with a very particular mission in mind. We are…”

She then grabbed the waist of her top and flung the whole outfit off like a cape, revealing a glittering cheerleading uniform colored neon pink around the arms with a blinding skirt to match along with a silver midsection where the letters “EBA” were printed in gold sequins.

“Elite! Beat! Agents!”

With each word, a matching firework exploded behind her as Charlie started flipping and jumping across the set, all with perfect balance and poise before pointing right at the camera with a pink pom-pom in hand.

“Our mission? To inspire demons to better their own lives and the world around them! How do we do it? The unbeatable power of DANCE! How do you call us? Simply yell for help anywhere in Hell and we’ll come to you!”

The music finally died down and the camera slowly zoomed back in on Charlie’s face, her expression enthusiastic but also pleading.

“I believe that every one of you out there has the power to turn yourselves around and even help others do the same. All we do is bring out that side of you. And if you want to help our mission, just call this number or send us an email and join up, donate or even just encourage us. A little act of kindness can make all the difference.”

The ad then ended and, unfortunately, a huge portion of the underworld started laughing their heads off. The fledgling agency’s phone lines and inbox was flooded with disparaging messages saying the EBA was a hysterical joke but it would never work, only offering to help in exchange for hanky-panky with the princess of Hell or people somehow thinking they were a new nightclub opening up and wanting to know their hours. Even now, Vaggie found a video of the ad online had millions of views but nothing but scorn and derision in the comments.

Charlie, meanwhile, opened up her phone and saw more messages but none from her parents. She figured if anything was finally going to get their attention it was a chance to mock her, but even now they were silent. The hopeful hell spawn was about to close things down when the door to the auditorium opened. She turned around, eager to see if it was an applicant, only for her cheer to die almost immediately. Standing in front of her was none other than Alastor the Radio Demon.

“Oh dear!” he remarked, glancing around at the cracked floorboards and cobwebs hanging from the ceiling, “This is far from what I call a proper audition. I mean, there’s nowhere for the losers to cry after they’ve been rejected!”

Charlie tried to form a reaction other than a nervous giggle, but Vaggie was one step ahead of her. She stood up pointing at the same door the red-clad demon walked in from with her other hand over her pocket where she kept her throwing knives.

“Oh no! Nononono! Out! I don’t care what you’re here for, _pendejo_ , but the answer is no!”

“Ouch, my fragile ego!” Alastor swooned, a staticky gasp playing out as he mimed falling to the floor in shock only to pick himself back up. “And here I was going to offer my assistance on this little cabaret you’re throwing but if you’re not interested…”

“Hold on,” Charlie piped up, “Assist us how?”

Vaggie was about to pull her girlfriend aside to warn her against that but Alastor beat her to it. “Well, you see now, before I do anything, I want to see what I’m… investing in, so to speak. That and your little ad was harder to decipher than an Enigma machine! Firstly, what do you hope to gain with this little agency?”

“I want to help redeem demons so that they can reach Heaven instead of-” she started before he laughed, and a laugh track backed him up, drowning out her voice.

“Oh goodness, and here I hoped that was the punchline to a killer joke! Hahaha, alright then, if that’s your intention, how does your little cheerleading routine fix that?”

“Because I have powers too! And also, the cheerleading outfit was just for the advertisement. I actually dance dressed in something more like this…” she then gestured down to the peach suit jacket and black slacks she had on.

“Oh? And what’s stopping someone from killing your little dance routine?”

“That I can show you!” Charlie exclaimed much more happily as she opened a door on the side of the room leading downstairs. Alastor was about to follow her, but Vaggie put herself between the two.

“Afraid of little old me, are we?” he asked the glaring demoness cheekily.

“No, I’m just not an idiot.”

Though she could not see it, Alastor almost seemed impressed by that response as he followed the two into a much more well-kept room. It looked like a command center with two large beeping computer consoles lined up in front of a massive green screen dominating the back wall which had a map of Hell displayed on it. Charlie’s assistants, Razzle and Dazzle, sat at the machines ensuring they were running optimally while a massive desk sat in front of the screen with a comfy swivel chair was empty.

“This is EBA Headquarters,” Charlie explained, “I had this place remodeled to act as a GPS locator for anyone in Hell.”

“Well, I must say, color me impressed! You weren’t just full of fluff and empty promises after all. However, as much of a doozy as this is, how does this all work?

“Bad with computers?” Vaggie asked, trying to hide the slight smile on her face.

“Watch it, girlie,” he warned her before Charlie started explaining.

“See, I’ve always been the one during the Purge to give the warning and all-clear signals, so I’ve learned how to listen really well. I can hear whenever someone calls for help. Problem is I only get a general location so I had this machine attuned to my powers so it can locate exactly where they are. Then the agents head out and that’s when we dance, while cloaked I should add, to cheer someone up.”

“Fascinating! But pray tell, do you really think this is healthy? I mean, if anyone could just waltz up and alter someone’s mind like that…”

“I’ve thought of that already. That’s why I need someone to call for help first. They have to want the change and improvement.”

Alastor mulled over all she had said for a moment before sticking out his hand. “Alrighty then! It looks like you’re completely serious about this charade, but it sounds too crazy to pass up! I’m in!”

“Hold it!” Charlie stopped him, briefly glancing over to meet Vaggie’s eye before continuing. She only gave a brief nod, but it was all the blonde needed at this point.

“Okay, not that I’m not, um, super grateful for the offer, but I know better than to take deals from you.”

“Who, me?” Alastor feigned, “I don’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about…” He tried to play gospel music to sell his point, but Charlie was not budging.

“Now, eh, I understand you see this as just a game, but to me this is beyond important. I can’t just stand by and watch demons die like this no matter what they’ve done in life. I want to give them a better chance in life.”

“As hopelessly naïve as you sound, it does sound entertaining as here to watch! So, is that a yes?”

“It is… but I’d like to think of you as a volunteer! No handshake, no deals, none of that jazz.”

“Oh? And then why should I lift a finger for you?”

“Um, well… funsies?”

The Radio Demon thought over her offer, and how her voice grew meeker with each line she just spoke and decided what the heck.

“Very well then! Volunteer it is! So, ‘boss,’ what will you be needing to get started?”

“Um, okay, well first I need two backup dancers. My powers work better with more dancers and-”

“Say no more!” Alastor then used his own powers to open a doorway in one of the walls of the HQ revealing two demons playing poker. Both of them were grey skinned mostly humanoid demons dressed in fine tuxes, but the one on the left had a switchblade clearly sticking out of his front lapel pocket while the other was smoking three cigarettes at once. They were so engrossed in their game they did not even notice being summoned.

“Merek! Dorris! Old buddies o’ mine, have I got deals for you!”

The two demons only then looked up from their cards and saw they were now in a control room instead of Dorris’s basement.

“Oh, great…” Merek sighed, pulling off his fedora to reveal a flask, “The fuck do you want?”

“Let me guess,” Dorris stopped him, casually pulling a bowie knife out of the red afro defying gravity on his head, “Some other hare-brained scheme that leads with you profiting off us going down the shitter? Again?!”

“Now now, gents, I’m very aware I didn’t do right by you last time. But now, I have a proposition that, if you see it through, I’ll consider my debt with you squared away!”

“Is that what you call it?!” Dorris shouted, “You left us red-handed in a moonshine still taking the heat for your bullshit!”

“Hey, champ,” Merek stopped him, even standing in front of him before he could shiv Alastor, or at least try to, and pointed over to a rather startled Charlie.

“Hey, isn’t she Lucifer’s girl or something?”

“A sharp eye there, partner!” Alastor said patting him on the back, “This is Charlie and she needs your help with her latest business endeavor.”

“Yeah, no,” Merek insisted, “We don’t do hits. We’re douches, I’ll admit it…”

“Speak for yourself!” Dorris shouted, “But I’ve just got rotten luck!”

“Um, actually?” Charlie piped in, before glancing at the smirking Alastor, “I needed… dancers. And my, um, new… investor?”

“I prefer benefactor,” the Radio Demon informed.

“Okay then, my benefactor here mentioned you two. So, heh, can you dance?”

The two new demons stared at each other in shock, swearing they must have misheard her, but Charlie’s question sounded completely earnest. Rather than respond, they both nodded.

“Great, but I think we need to compare styles first. You two wanna head upstairs and rehearse for a bit?”

They nodded again and followed her back into the auditorium leaving Vaggie and Alastor downstairs. While the latter was getting comfortable at the head table, even humming a little tune to himself, the other was less than impressed.

“Alright,” she asked, “What’s the catch?”

“‘Catch?’ Darling, you insult me!” Alastor laughed, “This agency will either be an incredibly unique success or a hysterical failure! I’m getting plenty out of this deal already!

“ _Mierda_.”

“I’m sorry, _no hablo español_ and all that _,_ but shouldn’t you be tidying the place up or something instead of lecturing me? That lobby’s pretty shabby.”

Vaggie resisted the urge to slit the other demon’s throat long enough to say one last sentence. “If you hurt Charlie, I don’t care who you are!”

She then stomped up the stairs, leaving Alastor to lounge in his new seat. In a rare moment for the infamous Radio Demon, he was being completely serious with his promise. He had no ulterior motives for signing on to this new agency… yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's only a brief prologue now, but the first mission for the EBA is coming soon!


	2. Episode 1: Clean Up! From Meek Maid to Mixmaster!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now it's time for the first mission! It's now time to mash a cynical cartoon and a ridiculous rhythm game together!

The Elite Beat Agency may have been open for business, but for Charlie and her new dancers it was a slow day. The phone lines were still clogged with people asking for anything from blowjobs to bashing the business, but none were legitimate job offers.

While this did bum Charlie out, it also gave her a chance to assess Dorris and Merek’s dancing. While one was still taking swigs of alcohol every few minutes and the other was ready to shank a wall if it looked at him funny, they were both very talented on their feet. Any move she did, they could replicate flawlessly and, even more amazingly to her, put aside whatever qualms they had and moved in perfect harmony.

Even Vaggie, pissed over Alastor’s insistence that she act as the agency’s maid, was impressed by the rehearsal. It helped that Charlie was now giddy with excitement, practically bouncing on her heels as she heaped praise on the two new hires.

“That. Was. Incredible!” she went on, “Where’d you learn to dance so well?!”

“Well…” Merek admitted, “We always wanted to be entertainers in life. Spent our whole lives learning to dance and sing but…”

“A bunch o’ dickweeds got us hooked on drugs and so here we are!” finished Dorris, “And now our voices sound like grizzly bears gargling jaeger bombs. Damn heroin shouldn’t have been invented…”

“Uh-uh,” Charlie wagged her finger, “Here at EBA, we look at what we can improve not what we can’t. You should be proud of how talented you are!”

While Dorris crossed his arms and huffed, he could not hide the slight smile on his face and Vaggie got on as well. How such a bubbly, cheerful angel came from Lucifer and Lilith was a mystery far beyond her, but she was more than happy with the result.

Before the new agents could go over more, though, a loud siren filled the building and soon Charlie whipped out her phone.

“Oh my gosh!” she said, “We’ve got one!”

“A job? Already?” Vaggie asked.

“Yes, I had the program for tracking targets added to my phone, but I’ll explain more later. Boys, let’s go!” Charlie then rushed outside after giving her girlfriend peck on the cheek and jumped into the vintage black convertible with a stylized EBA written over a gold police badge. While Charlie hopped in the driver’s seat, the men were taken aback.

“This is your car?!” Merek gaped, “Where’d you get this beauty?!”

“Um, it’s the company car, and from the dealership? You know, where I bought it?”

“In blood?!” Dorris all but screamed.

“In cash?”

The two guys just shrugged at that, remembering they were dealing with a stupidly rich girl, and just accepted it. Their focus turned on who their first client was going to be as Charlie raced down the streets.

Among the many gated communities of Hell, Madoff Manors was somewhere between the nouveaux riche and the major powerhouses. The manors themselves were opulent, but not the grandest. The income being flaunted was substantial with in-ground pools, perfectly trimmed yards and sports cars, but this was not where the heaviest hitters called home. What it did have was a neighborhood full of up-and-comers looking for a way to get into Hell’s one percent by any means necessary.

Among these were the Cupid family currently consisting of estate lawyer Von, day-trading wife Esrele and their two daughters. The twins, Jura and Juda, were currently in law school but were better known as the easiest A’s on campus as long as you either contributed to their GPA or their family’s coffers.

In their four-story, twenty-room estate was another demon. This was Listla, the sole housekeeper of the Cupids for the past four years. True to her name, Listla had been walked over since even before she entered indentured servitude. Day in and day out, she had to keep the manor spotless or lose one of the few privileges she was allowed by her hosts such as her food or sparse collection of music.

The latter was what truly kept her in line. As soon as her duties were done for the day, she would hurry to her quarters and listen to rave music until she fell asleep. Her dreams were filled with her in a bustling nightclub of her own design, spinning out tracks that made the night owls of Hell party until dawn with her raking in the profits all the while. Her favorites, however, were when she saw the Cupids being denied entry to her club because they could not even afford the cover charge.

But each and every morning the sun rose, her eyes opened, and reality reasserted itself. It was back to scrubbing marble floors, dusting everything from the crystal chandeliers to the bottom of the stair rail and keeping a lid on the many illegal activities going on in the Cupids’ home. From the missus’s insider trading, daddy’s frequent counts of bribery and extorting senile clients and of course the girls’ patented “tutoring” which they also provided to many university professors.

Today, though, an extra problem was thrown on her. Von approached her as she wiped down the many windows surrounding the house’s foyer.

“Yes, sir?” she asked meekly, having to look up due to the three feet of height difference between them.

“You better finish cleaning fast,” he said, “Because we’ve organized a party for our clients tonight at 6.”

He then pulled out a comically long list of instructions that unraveled from his hand to the floor. Listla gaped at it as he flung it at her, completely covering her from head to tail.

“I want _everything_ here finished when my family comes home with the guests!”

Listla hid her eyes behind the limp white locks to avoid staring into his eyes as he walked towards the front door. She could still picture the malevolent smirk on his face clear as day.

“And if you miss even one thing… YOU’RE FIRED!”

Him slamming the door behind him sounded like a guillotine to her. The imp looked over the list, staining the paper with tears as she tried to get herself motivated.

_“I can’t live without this job!”_ she cried to herself, _“Where will I go? I… I can’t do all of this in six hours!”_

Desperate for something, anything, that would solve her dilemma, Listla thought to an ad she had seen the other day. It sounded patently ridiculous to the point where she laughed if off, but now she had nothing to lose. She let all of her anxiety and fear erupt in one deafening scream that rattled the walls of the manor.

**“HEEEEEEEEELP!”**

And, unknown to her, her cry registered with the computers at the EBA. While Charlie stormed onto the scene, Alastor sat his new desk with a bemused expression on his face and sipped his jack and coke. He was looking forward to seeing how his newest venture was going to pan out for the first time.

Only a minute after her cry rang out, Charlie’s convertible roared past the gated entrance of Madoff Manors and screeched to a halt in front of the Cupid Estate. The blonde and her two cohorts leapt out of the car and landed clear on the other side of the road. As soon as their feet hit pavement, Charlie put up a cloaking field to make the trio invisible and let out the music playing in her head.

**(Song: Kasabuta by Li Yilang - Zatch Bell OP 1)**

As the energetic drums and guitar started up, all three Elite Beat Agents waved their hands back and forth to the tempo. Inside the manor, the despairing Listla suddenly felt a fire erupt in her core. She did not have time for sulking, she had a bomb of a party to organize!

“Here we go!” Charlie told her backup, “3… 2… 1… GO!”

_Ashita e tsuzuku sakamichi no tochū de_

_Surechigau otona-tachi wa tsubuyaku no sa_

Listla took off from the foyer to the supply closet at lightning speed, the entire lot of cleaning supplies soon in her hands. _  
__"Ai toka yume toka risō mo wakaru kedo_

_Me no mae no genjitsu wa sonna ni amakunai"-tte_

With every step she took, Listla skated on oiled rags to polish the floor to perfection while her hands dusted every wall she passed.

_Tsumazuki nagara mo korogari nagara mo_

_Kasabuta darake no jônetsu wo wasretakunai_

She continued even down different floors and even outside, somehow trimming the hedges, grass and pavement with her improvised skates!

“All done!” she declared, the clock now reading 2 PM. She glanced at the list and saw the next lot was to decorate the whole manor! Before she could doubt herself again, the fire came roaring back and she took off.

_Otona ni narenai bokura no tsuyogari wo hitotsu kiitekure_

_Nige mo kakure mo shinai kara waraitai yatsu dake warae_

She ran to her room and grabbed her a pair of glowsticks before dashing through the house again, coloring the walls as she went! _  
__Semete tayorinai bokura no jiyū no me o tsumitoranaide_

_Mizu o ageru sono yakume o hataseba iin darō?_

As the walls lit up with neon colors that changed as she went, she then grabbed the curtains off one of the many windows and ripped them to ribbons with her hands to make streamers which she threaded across the rooms. _  
Nando mo kurikaeshita shippai toka_

_Ōkiku kuichigatta kangae toka_

With one final throw, she threw her still full glowsticks into the chandelier. Rather than shatter the many lights, it landed just so between them to make the expensive fixture light up like a disco ball! _  
__Bokura no kijun wa totemo futashika de_

_Kinō yori nantonaku hohaba ga hiroku natta_

“All done!” she declared again, the clock now reading 4 PM. The last major task was to get all of the catering ready. Even thought she was no chef, the fire in her core pushed her forwards into the kitchen.

_Senobi o shinagara uchinomesare nagara_

_Kasabuta o chotto hagasu kedo kotae wa denai_

She all but bounced and leapt off the walls as she raided the pantry, grabbing anything she could find.

_Otona ni naritai bokura no wagamama o hitotsu kiitekure_

_Nete mo samete mo shibarareru jikan o sukoshi dake tomete_

She slammed pots and pans on the stove, trays in the double-oven and lined the counter with platters and soon stood behind it like it was a DJ booth. _  
__Semete fugainai bokura no jiyū no mi wo kiritoranaide_

_Akaku jukusu sono toki made nayameba iin darō?_

She spun everything she was working on like records, working at such a blinding pace that bits of food went flying. Even still, Listla bobbed her head like she was working records instead of cuisine.

When she looked up, the clock had almost hit 6. A crowd of demons was lining up outside.

“This ought to be entertaining…” Von snickered to himself, looking forward to seeing Listla in tears.

_Otona ni narenai bokura no tsuyogari o hitotsu kiitekure_

_Nige mo kakure mo shinai kara waraitai yatsu dake warae_

At 6:00 on the dot, Listla threw open the front doors of the manor and pulsing music was already playing. Multicolored lights started blaring from the door behind her and windows. The crowd outside oohed and aahed in amazement.

“Who’s ready to PAR-TAY?!” Listla yelled, dressed in her nicest gown with a pair of headphones around her neck.

_Semete tayorinai bokura no jiyū no me o tsumitoranaide_

The guests all but rushed inside, thrilled that they were getting a dance party instead of a stuffy ball.

_Mizu o ageru sono yakume o hataseba iin darō?_

Von and his kin, however, just walked inside and gaped with their jaws hitting the floor. The house had been completely transformed into a high-energy nightclub with neon walls glowing in blacklight, a buffet table of goods lining the back wall of the foyer and Listla herself blaring music from her little turntable in just the way to keep the crowd energized.

“S-She actually did it…” Von stuttered, his wife and kids slowly moving to join the festivities while he just stood there.

“Yes, she’s quite the keeper…” a voice said behind him. A multicolored demon in a white zoot suit walked in flanked by two demonesses in nothing but swimsuits on his shoulders. While Von knew he was not invited, Listla recognized him immediately.

“Rawson Incendio?!” she gasped, “You own the biggest clubs in Hell!”

“You bet! And I want you to work for me!”

Von tried to sputter a response, but Listla cheered a massive “FUCK YES!” And all the while, Charlie and her agents watched from across the streets up until Listla ran out of the house with all her belongings in a suitcase ahead of Rawson with tears of joy in her eyes while Von was still frozen to the same spot and the killer party raged on behind him with even Esrele and her daughters grinding the night away.

When Charlie drove back to EBA headquarters, she was surprised to see Vaggie and Alastor waiting outside the building. As soon as she stepped out of the driver’s seat, Charlie was nearly knocked to the ground by Vaggie hugging her.

“That was amazing! It all really worked!” she glowed, more happy than she could remember feeling in weeks.

“Yeah! I-I almost can’t believe it!” Charlie replied, “But that’s one mission for the Elite Beat Agents! Now Listla has a new life and focus on her dreams!”

“Yes, definitely quite a show you’ve put on,” Alastor commented, “But what do we do now? We send a tab to the imp?”

“Of course not!” Charlie rebuffed, “The EBA is a non-profit! And we work on a strictly secretive basis. Once someone has completed their goal, we let them live their new lives to the fullest.”

“And you honestly think that will work? What if some gang-banger needs your help pulling off a hit?”

“Then he better have an explanation or else he gets rejected. I can sense the intent someone has when they call. And that girl was frightened for her life and longing for a better life and-”

“Charlie, breathe!” Vaggie intervened, “Don’t pass out on me!”

Only now realizing how worked up she had gotten, the demonic princess inhaled deeply and then let the air out. “Thanks…”

“Don’t mention it. Now, you’ve been dancing for six hours. Come inside and rest…”

As the two headed towards the lobby, the boys heading off guessing they had the night off, Alastor started to realize what he had gotten into. In his relatively short but productive time in Hell, he had never been involved in something like this and now it almost scared him.

He was doing charity work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now that the first mission is out of the way, I hope you all enjoyed that because there's another reason I wrote this. I wanted a fanfic with something I have never done before: reader participation. 
> 
> I want to hear what any of you out here want to see show up in a mission? Ideas for original characters, songs for the missions (my only requirements are being from anime to fit the aesthetic and having lyrics), whole mission ideas or even just bits to add in on the side. I'm beyond curious to see what people will come up with. Just leave your ideas in the comments and I can't wait to hear from you!


	3. Episode 2: Go Up in Smoke! No More Narcotics!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now it's time for another installment! What will Charlie find this time?

Following their first major success, the group at the Elite Beat Agency was doing well. With no new calls in the past few days, the focus was collectively on sprucing up the lobby to further boost morale and to give new applicants a nicer space.

Alastor, much to everyone’s surprise, took over the redecorating duty much to Vaggie’s worry. Charlie, however, assuaged her and let him go through with it. What would have been weeks’ worth of work was done in less than an hour as the dingy auditorium-like space was changed into a classy lounge with black leather couches, a grand piano in the back corner that played itself and even a picture of a joyous Listla as she ran to her new job on a lit-up wall under the banner “Satisfied Customers.”

“Okay, I’ll admit it,” Vaggie shrugged, “Good job.”

“Good? This is AMAZING!” Charlie awed, “This is so classy and elegant!”

“Oh, this old stuff?” Alastor said, “Just rummaged around my basement for it all! I was going to send it to the landfill any day now…”

While even Charlie had her suspicions about that, the agents and alumni all agreed it was a massive improvement. From there, though, the focus was back to waiting for another assignment which the three agents used to rehearse. Day in and out they focused on dancing, but eventually Merek had a question.

“Why all Japanese music?” he asked as they took a break one evening, “You don’t know anything in English?”

“Oh, it’s not that,” Charlie explained, “But it’s not any old Japanese music. It’s _anime_ music! The most inspiring, pumping melodies ever written! I thought it was a perfect for uplifting the downtrodden!”

“If you say so,” Dorris said, “As long as it ain’t that screamo shit. I got enough headaches dealing with Mr. Dumbass over there…”

Before another argument or binge-drinking could break out between the two, the siren rang again. The demons immediately put their tiff aside and followed Charlie outside prepared to tackle their next mission.

Lungless Tobacco was a company that had been thriving in Hell for generations thanks to its unique hiring methods. If someone was a corrupt executive in life, odds are that they would find their way into the company’s offices and quickly find that now bribing suppliers, working employees to the bone and a complete disregard to consumer safety were now the keys to success.

One executive, however, was the opposite. Reginald Moncrun spent over thirty years in the mortal world doing the exact same thing he was doing now, but one thing had not changed. Despite now being a seven-foot tall ram demon, he still despised the cigarette business. Their smell made him nauseous, the constant corruption of the business made him feel even sleazier than he was and even he felt selling a product that was guaranteed to kill them was a low blow.

So why was he in this business to begin with? His loving family who raised him for the sole purpose of succeeding his dearest daddy who was best at finding mob connections to strengthen his business. And it turns out despite never personally smoking a cigarette in his life, several decades of secondhand smoke really was enough to give you lung cancer and he could not get treatment for it for the sake of his family business. Go figure.

And thanks to those schmucks, now he was stuck in the research and development branch of Lungless for as long as he could foresee. His job day in and day out was to find ways to make cigarettes cheaper to produce but even more addicting.

As he trudged through his office, trying to ignore his cellphone blaring at him and people trying to shout statistics at him, he slammed the door to his private office shut and quickly ran for the aged brandy he kept in his desk. After chugging half of the bottle in one swig, he only felt worse.

“The fuck am I doing with myself?!” he shouted to the sky, “First my life’s nothing but shit and now THIS?! Is this all I’m good for?!”

He smashed the expensive bottle of liquor on his desk, conveniently soaking much of the paperwork clogging its surface.

“I… I’m done…” he moaned, “I can’t take this anymore!”

He half-considered reaching for a shard of broken glass before his mind turned to something else. His family and this company would continue on if he offed himself, but what if he could sabotage it? That sounded much more fulfilling, but how would even do that?! The anger at his situation, resentment at his family and sheet hatred for anything smokable came up in a hoarse but loud yell that blew all of the papers off of his desk.

**“HEEEEEEEEELP!”**

Only seconds later, Charlie swung the car into the crowded parking garage underneath Lungless HQ. Knowing their client was on the brink, the agents leapt out of the car, through the garage and up onto the roof of the massive skyscraper that made up the building. They wasted no time starting up the music and getting themselves ready for the slower tempo of the song.

**(Song: Papermoon by Tommy heavenly6 - Soul Eater OP 2)**

All at once, the despair consumed Reginaled vanished as a vengeful anger took over that made him shout. “They want cigarettes? I’ll make one they’ll never forget!”

“Here we go!” all three agents said, “3… 2… 1… GO!”

_I'M FALLING DOWN INTO MY SHADOW_

_Iki wo hisomete_

_Matteiru DEADLY NIGHT_

Reginald soon ran to the main lab of Lungless, busting down the door and charging straight into the rows of tables.

_DON'T SCARE ME majo ga egaita_

_Kabocha no basha mo_

_Sono me ni utsuseru kara_

With a frenetic grin on his face, he started throwing beakers and test tubes together, making colored plumes of gas erupt and the other scientists in the lab watch in awe.

_SEE YOU IN YOUR DREAMS_

_YEAH BABY kowai yume da to shitemo_

After his little fireworks display, he held up a test tube with a glowing purple liquid and laughed. “It’s complete! The perfect additive!”

_FAIRY BLUE_

_Kimi no tame ni hoshi wo kudaki_

_Kazaritsuketa_

_BLACK PAPER MOON_

With his creation firmly in hand, he charged out of the lab and towards the CEO’s office. As he ran, he barged into every other office he could to snatch their stationery and materials.

_Shinjite kureta nara!_

_WHEN YOU'RE LOST "HERE"_

_I AM... "FOREVER" WITH YOUR SOUL_

“Uncle Bronchit!” he declared, literally knocking the door of its hinges, “I’ve got the perfect ingredient for your next product line!”

_Miagereba kagayaku tsuki no youni_

_Amai shinku no jamu wo_

_Otoshita kaado ni ukabiagaru moji_

The executive was stunned by the interruption, but he was soon enraptured by his nephew’s presentation. Everything from his charts to his charisma screamed enthusiasm and read that this new breakthrough would make them incredibly wealthy.

_YOUR DESTINY kimi ga nozomeba_

_Donna sekai mo_

_Sono te ni tsukameru kara_

“So… What do you say?” Reginald asked.

“We’re sending this out tomorrow!” the CEO blared, “And you’re overseeing the production of it!”

A flash of desperation went through the other demon, but the fire roared in him making him give a salute and ran down to the main floor of the plant.

_Madowasarenai de_

_Darenimo kowasenai_

He literally jumped onto the assembly line and kept all of the workers in line as they rushed through producing his new cigarettes, even keeping them in line with his a pocketed lighter.

_FAIRY BLUE_

_Kimi ga kureta ikiru akashi_

_Kizuna to iu "eien"_

_Sakende kureta nara_

Hours upon hours passed but soon the staff was working into the night, slaving over their work from the factory to the delivery drivers and advertisers rushing the product out to market.

_I WILL FIND YOU MY DEAR!_

_Doko ni itemo_

_Karamitsuku jubaku wo tokihanatte_

The following day, Lungless’ new “White” line came out to immense fanfare from the nicotine-obsessed masses. The hyper-aggressive one-day marketing hyped everyone up to the point where they broke into stores to get the first taste

_Daremo shinjirarenakute_

_Hikutsu ni naru toki mo aru_

The result was instantaneous. The entire stock sold out in less than twelve hours with heavy smokers going through as much as a pack an hour. In fact, they wanted more Whites so badly that they stormed the factory in an angry mob demanding more!

_Soredemo kimi no kotoba ha_

_Itsudemo mune ni hibiiteru_

“REGINALD!” the CEO yelled, “What have you done?! Your formula has turned them into maniacs!” He turned to face his nephew expecting a scream, an insult… But was instead met with him laughing mad.

_FAIRY BLUE_

_Kimi no tame ni hoshi wo kudaki_

_Kazaritsuketa "mejirushi"_

_Yume wo miushinatte mayotta toki_

_Miagete hoshii_

“Oh, I’m sorry…” Reginald shrugged, “Isn’t this what you wanted?! Addicting, money-making drugs! Well, now you’ve got them!”

“Fine, so get back to work and make more!”

“Nope!” Reginald balked, pulling out a massive cigar which he then lit and then blew smoke in Bronchit’s face which spelled out “I QUIT!” in pink letters.

_FAIRY BLUE_

_Kimi ga kureta ikiru akashi_

_Kizuna to iu "shinrai"_

_Kimi ha hitori janai_

_WHEN YOU'RE LOST "HERE"_

_I AM... "FOREVER" WITH YOU SOUL_

And as he left, Reginald took all of the profits for the White line and the rights for the new cigarettes’ formula with him. He had worked that into his groundbreaking presentation the previous day and now he left the building as the frenzied masses broke in, looking for the next hit of a drug that would never be released again.

_Tadoritsukeru kimi ga shinjiru nara_

And from there, Reginald charged out of the building with the most genuine smile he ever gave in either of his lives, already looking to burn the papers of his creation and turn his newfound millions into a business he could be proud off. And all of this was helped by the sound of the plant collapsing behind him as the mob resorted to inhaling any fumes they could get.

That night, Alastor hung another photo on the wall as he was still snickering at the events that transpired. This good spirit was not shared by everyone at the agency, though, as Vaggie was still unsure if everything she just saw happened.

“So, let me get this straight…” she asked Charlie while she was enjoying a cup of chamomile on the couch, “The guy made hyper-addictive cigarettes…”

“Yep!” the blonde said before taking a sip of her soothing beverage.

“…Intentionally got himself full distribution rights to them and 100% of the money for them…”

“Uh-huh!”

“…And once they were made and sold-out after one day, he packed up with all the money and the rights to them so they’d never be made again.”

“More than likely! He hates the narcotics business more than anything.”

“Um, honey, is this necessarily a good thing? I love you and all, but I don’t think this will work out will. There’s now thousands of demons craving a drug that doesn’t exist anymore and…”

“And the addiction’s already wearing off,” Alastor said, having listened to the entire conversation from across the room, “I don’t know how, but those cigarettes were designed to only have a temporary addictive quality.”

“HOW?!” Vaggie protested, “That doesn’t make any sense!”

“I honestly don’t know either,” admitted Charlie, “I didn’t read the notes or scientific mumbo-jumbo he made, I just inspired him to make it!”

“Spoken like a true angel from on high!” applauded Alastor, “Except with far less hypocrisy! Now then, shall I close things up for the night and give you lovebirds some privacy or should I be ready for your girlfriend to be your next client?”

He was referring to Vaggie as she gripped her head, trying to make sense of all this, but eventually just decided to let this whole issue go and share some tea. Alastor, meanwhile, headed downstairs to get the rest of the staff to lock up and instead imagined what Vaggie’s reaction would be to learning that not only did Lungless White only give a twelve-hour craving, but afterwards it cures someone’s nicotine dependency entirely. He may not have been making money on this arrangement, but he was certainly entertained!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As fun as that was to write, next time I'm excited to bring the first chapter from a request! That'll be in a little bit, but be sure to leave anything you want to see down below!


	4. Episode 3: Earn Your Title! Rise, Isaac the Invincible!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now it's time for a special occasion: the first request! Let's see if EpicMusicLover over on Fanfic.net appreciates me taking his song and character name with this!

Unlike their first client’s turnaround, the entire job with Reginald and Lungless made a real splash in Hell. The mob storming the manufacturer’s headquarters, the sudden announcement that the best-selling White brand would be a one-day only item and how the thousands of people who took the elusive drug suddenly had no desire for nicotine anymore raised several questions. Who was responsible? Could this feat be repeated? Was this the greatest practical joke the underworld had ever seen?

There were even rumors that perhaps it was the Elite Beat Agents given that an interview with Reginald Moncrun, who had already taken his earnings and was restoring an old speakeasy, had called for help right before inventing the miraculous cigarettes and suddenly the idea came to him.

While this did raise Charlie’s prospects, it also proved to be the minority as her assistants found that most still saw the EBA as a complete joke. Thankfully, word of Alastor’s involvement had made all but the most brazen and/or suicidal of demons refrain from trying to genuinely harm to the place.

Another job soon rang out, though, this time in the dead of night. Charlie, Merek and Dorris, however, threw themselves together and rushed out onto the streetlamp-lit avenues of the hellish metropolis to help out their next client.

When your city is the literal final destination for most of the world’s career criminals, the streets are overflowing with shifty types who look fro any opportunity to pilfer the pockets of the unsuspecting traveler or person returning home late after an extra-long shift. It was standard procedure to have at least two lethal weapons on hand at all times as soon as the sun starts setting in the sky.

Walking the streets, however, was someone with dozens of tools at his disposal. An unsuspecting type at only 5’4”, scrawny physique and a pair of wide eyes, Isaac was famous for his coat. A beaten-up brown trench coat that he wore everywhere in public had two pockets that contained nearly every tool a criminal could need. Lockpicks, poison vials, breathalyzers, spare ammo for every firearm ever made and of course a plethora of weapons ranging from easily hidden daggers to SMGs amongst many other tools of the trade.

This bottomless arsenal, a quick wit and a tenacity for big hauls has earned this petite demon the name “Isaac the Invincible” and for years he was the first man to call for completing any job or taking care of any unsightly evidence. Helping to back up his reputation was him being a nationally wanted con artist at the age of 22 before a stray bullet in a shootout to defend his collection of underworld contacts shot through his mortal coil.

As he slunk down the sidewalk now, though, Isaac was no star of the black market. A heist gone wrong where his four cohorts decided to leave him for dead in order to save their own hides left him beaten to a pulp and only alive because he pulled out all of the cash his coat could summon. From that point on, he relied on pickpocketing easy marks or rummaging through dumpsters to find his next meal. Meanwhile, the four fucks who double-crossed declared him dead and thus got his share of their job worth millions and were living it up in a ritzy penthouse with all the booze and banging they could want.

His hands clutched in anger as his purple face recalled the memory but was snapped out of it by the sound of approaching footsteps. He turned to see two burly goons in tuxedoes emerge from an alley way.

“Oh no…” Isaac muttered, “Let me guess, you’re looking for me.”

“Sharp,” one of them remarked, “I can see why you’re our mark.”

“Those bastards put you up to this? Why?!”

“Simple. You know too much,” the other one answered, “Come with us quietly and we’ll make it painless.”

“Oh yeah, ‘cause I can totally rat them out to cops here…” Isaac snarked before turning tail and running. He could hear the assassins behind him as he swerved between allies and leapt over dumpsters to lose them, only to run face-first into a brick wall. As he struggled to get up, he felt the cold metal barrel of a pistol being pressed to the back of his head.

“Time’s up, Mr. Invincible…”

“We’re gonna see if you live up to that title…”

The petite demon’s head blanked. All of the misdeeds he had done both in life and here in Hell flashed in front of him. Now he saw all the people he hurt, all the damage he had done, and swore to whatever god was listening that he would change his ways if he would just survive this…

**“HEEEEEEEEELP!”**

The signature car of the EBA barreled through the lamplit streets of Pentagram City and soon braked hard on the sidewalk some ways up the street where Isaac was facing his last moments. The thugs were dragging the whole ordeal out and while it brought the agents’ client closer to peeing himself, it also gave them ample time to leap onto an apartment roof and start their next song.

**(Song: Sanjou Ginyu Tokusentai by You Yamazaki (Dragon Ball Z Kai OST)**

Isaac suddenly felt his old fire come back with a vengeance, the fear of death losing out to his desire to get back at the pricks who put him in this mess.

_Ore no na wa Rikuumu_

_Saikyou no pawaa sa_

_O-inochi wo choudai shichau kara ne (Touh!!)_

_Urutora faiteingu mirakuru bonbaa de_

_Kasa wa min'na o souji shichau yo_

First off was to shoo off the schmucks trying to shoot him. Isaac reached into his unending pockets and dug out a smoke bomb before setting it off to make the perfect cover. Years of honing his stealth meant that he could effortlessly sneak away once he had his feet under him.

_Ore ga Baata sa_

_Aoi harikeen sa_

_Wow muteki no supiido_

Next was to find the cronies who double-crossed him. That was pretty easy to figure out as he watched his assassins drive off to report they failed. All he had to do was follow them.

_Yes, we are!!_

_Tada'ima sanjou!! Uchuu-ichi no eriito senshi_

_Naku komo damaru ze Ginyuu Tokusentai_

Thanks to years of honing his skills in two lives, hopping across rooftops was like a pleasant jog to Isaac as he felt his confidence return with each bound.

_Yes, we are!!_

_Supesharu faitingu poozu wo misete yarou_

_Sono utsukushisa ni, sah hizamazuku ga ii_

_(Tokusentai x4)_

Soon the goons’ car pulled up outside a secure high-rise building on the semi-nicer part of the city. Cameras and security guards monitored the area, but Isaac had even more goodies for this occasion.

_Ore koso Jiisu da_

_Akai maguma to yobe_

_Ore ga tokusentai No.2 da_

_Kurasshaa booru de kawaigatte yarou ka?_

_Kawaigarutte, yoshiyoshi janai zo_

He dug out a laptop from his pockets and quickly let his programs designed to cripple electronic surveillance do the rest. While the computer worked, he pulled out a grappling hook and night-vision goggles and soon found the perfect gap in the guards’ position to slip in. Even as he ended up looking straight down at the asphalt below him as he climbed, he smirked. Like that would stop him!

_Gurudo wa ore da_

_Jikan tomete yarou_

_Wow, hontou no esupaa sa_

He touched down on the roof with nary a sound, knocking out the guards with precise strikes to the necks as he moved.

_Yes, we are!!_

_Tada'ima sanjou!! Uchuu-ichi no eriito senshi_

_Ore-tachi tenka no Ginyuu Tokusentai_

He moved to unlock the door leading down to the lower levels, but a guard opened it from the other side. Before he could pull a weapon or call for backup, though, Isaac rooted around his pockets to find a wad of bills and shoved it in his hand before rushing inside. A pity the guard did not know it was actually a disguised dye bomb…

_Yes, we are!!_

_Oyatsu wa chokoreeto pafe de kimari nano sa_

_Omae ni wakete nado yaranai kara na_

_(Tokusentai x4)_

Down the stairs Isaac ran, knowing that stealth was no longer on his side once his little bribe went off. Even with the cameras all thoroughly useless, he could hear the stampede of thugs looking to catch him. That was why he barged directly into the lounge in the basement of the place where his old buddies were all lazing around counting money.

_Ore-sama ga Ginyuu da_

_Taichou to yobareru_

_Kisama no chikara subete miseru ga ii_

_Furiiza-sama no tame_

_Ore wa tatakau no da kisama ga dare de arou to mo taosu_

“Remember me, fellas?” Isaac waved as all four of the ringleaders pointed guns at him. He held his hands up, keeping them far away from his pockets as the hallway behind him became congested with musclemen looking to end him for trespassing and breaking and entering.

“So, got a way outta this one, tough guy?!” one of the leaders boasted, holding a revolver to Isaac’s forehead.

_Kouei ni omoe_

_Yorokobi no dansu o ima, misete yarou janai ka_

“Well… There is what’s already in my hand…” Isaac opened his right hand revealing what looked like a golf ball. One swift flick of the wrist, though, revealed it was a flashbang and soon the whole crowd lost him as the invincible crook ran into the room….

_Yes, we are!!_

_Tada'ima sanjou!! Uchuu-ichi no eriito senshi_

_Kaeru wa kirai da_ _Nazeka wakaran ga_

_Yes, we are!!_

_Junban kime wa kouhei ni na janken dazo_

_Senshi wa fea nanoda_

_Oboetoku ga ii_

_(Tokusentai x4)_

When the confusion finally died down, the four main crooks all looked down and realized they had bullets riddling their bodies. Several of their own men were either bleeding on the floor or bolted from the scene.

They looked out into what was their mounds of stolen goods and realized that Isaac somehow swiped every ounce of money they had. Hundreds of thousands of dollars were gone, no doubt stuffed into those famous pockets of his.

“Wha…? What the fuck just happened?”

“Isaac the Invincible… This is why… We wanted him dead…”

And outside the building, the now beaming Isaac recovered his laptop and ran off into the night with his pockets bulging from the sheer stacks of cash they were flooded with. He felt tempted to start splurging, but he remembered his vow. As the flow of adrenaline stopped, he began thinking of how to finally hang up his coat and go straight. After all, Isaac the Invincible was sure to be known now for the greatest last hurrah in crime in all of Hell!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, if any of you out there have ideas for songs, scenarios, OCs or even just stuff you want to see, leave something in the comments! I'm dying to see what else will come after this! Anyhoo, that's all for now until the next call for the Elite Beat Agents!


End file.
